Wednesday, March 9, 2016

Not together

Here are rantings that are not meant to be together, but yet - I let it be.

I'm afraid to lose you
And you are not even mine to lose
So I say I don't want to be in love with you anymore
But that's not mine to do

Thus I struggle I battle
That I brought upon myself
For someone who isn't mine
And for a love that floats unnamed in the universe
-----------
Love is reckless
It comes on strong
Not a thought, at max a blink of the eye
Just on instinct, it makes the heart race
Blood rush
And the insides tingle
Contradicting a sense of calmness in the havoc that it builds up, as the body rages
For eventually when one is in love the soul is calm
It's home

Mine is floating unnamed, unclaimed.

To the man I cannot love



When you were not around I read up a lot about salads. What goes better with avocado. Or shrimp. Or rocket leaves. What cheese is better for the protein involved? Masoor Dal salad is a real thing - And is yummy.

The truth is that you will never be around to have a meal with me, to share or try anything together - to know, to cherish, to just be.And even if you are you will be a prick, since thats something you are just attached to being - not actively  not consciously but it just becomes part of being you. An existential truth that I cannot have the time for, since I'm already living in a time capsule. It's ticking.
But I'll eat with you. Hypothetically. Since my love is here in each heartbeat.You can have your parathas with kaali daal while I indulge in my salad.Yet happiness will always remain a far fetched dream and the reality is that I cannot love you.


Wednesday, March 5, 2008

auburn mood

sepia sunset over a barren terrain
auburn be my mood
meandering road
heaven at the horizon awaiting my arrival

red wine tingles as it slides down
facing a sea that i can only hear
alone in a place that surrounds me with strangers
starry starry night

escapade
away from regime
off duty
on vacation

Monday, February 4, 2008

ive been everywhere i wished to be
and my destination lies beneath my feet

im loving it

have you ever felt like life just isnt heading anywhere?
but on the other hand you feel you have reached everywhere you wished to go
the feeling is sort of like being on an aeroplane that is so high up in the air and so close to its destination that it doesnt need to speed up or down...its just floats in air
and even though the destination is just below your feet, you wish to just stay afloat for a little while longer and watch the sunrise at the horizon
its been awhile since i have dreamt or thought or just sat in a space of my own, the only thing on my mind has been work and bed
but there are moments in my day that keep my mind from becoming a vegetable and thus saving me from turning out to be just one of those kids who complain about life and work!
im loving it!

Friday, October 26, 2007

ice cream

So shes walking down the road
V/o explaining her state of mind
where shes at right now in her life
where she comes from and
where she plans to go and
if she plans on going

visuals of people crossing her path
old fat punjabi lady with
shopping bags at crossroads
auto guy waiting near his ride
girl with ipod with bag walking home
couple arguing
traffic passing by
parking lights on
the smell of freshly rosted peanuts

music of the latest hindi flick
from a house
as she crosses the house she
notices white and blue balloons on the gate
There’s a party
She notices a father and child walking to this house
the kid is all dressed up, bow in her hair
she carries a big present,nearly1/2 her size
the father, looks flushed, he’s probably
thinking of all the pending chores back
at work

visuals of the party
balloons, kids, party hats, maybe even
one of those Mexican hanging donkeys
Oh no! kids today aren’t into those
It’s more about exercise for just the fingers
click mouses, playstations, x box
The party is good, that’s coz its an expensive one
The parents had to get an event co
to organize it. Has to be good.
“I’ve never partied like that.
I’m glad.”

So, the roads look festive
Everything is lit up for the
festival of lights
Trees have lights on them
Did they ever imagine they would spread the light
Did they ever imagine

The shops look like cherubic money eaters
sucking in all the aunties in the city
sucking out all the money from
fathers with flushed faces, like the one we
saw earlier

so she entered the atm
withdrew the money left in her account
stares at the guard with the big
moustache outside the atm
And continues walking

There are people all around her
with their stories
The beggar in his tattered clothes
dirty hair, bare feet with his unclean
toe nails, mutterng something about the world
Well, he could just be a detective
all in disguise
she read about this in an article
in one of those cosmopolitan
newspaper supplements
It was published with photographes
of the reporters in disguise
The photographs boost the mystery
The spies are hired by some
wealthy flushed face father
who pays him to spy on his wife
coz the father does nt have the time
for her
The guilt raises suspicion
An affair is what he fears
“I’m glad I’m ignorant to insecurity”

She stops to buy a smoke
she craves paan, oh the flavors
The paan walla looks at her and
asks if she wants a Calcutta
special paan
She nods and smiles
He tells his friend nearby ‘ I knew she was Bengali’
She gets that a lot
She isn’t Bengali

She stubs the cigarette
Enters the store to pay her bill
Leaves

They are having a conversation
They as n she and her friend
something about the moon being
closest to the earth in a 1000yrs
that day being today
She takes the katti roll, pays the guy
Sits by the road, deep in converse
When her friend points out to a dog
There he was, all puppy face
With a surprise down below
It had to be a dog

As she walked on by
She realized why she loved this city
This city wasn’t her home
but it gave her moments
The smell of the orange flowers on sale
The traffic jam on only one side of the road
The side that is homeward bound
The arguments, on two cars colliding
The old man listening to the score
over the radio
Everyones living a story

She buys an ice cream, flavored
tender coconut
That’s the highpoint of her day
Visuals of her eating the ice cream
talking, smiling, laughing
People cross her. “so how was your day?”
She asks her flush faced
boyfriend when he gets back
home that night.

Saturday, September 8, 2007

namesake

I took and auto with my aunt to see her off at the airport. Got off, had one kappi (Nescafe!), smoke and conversation before she went in. I walk upto three auto guys and tell them where I need to go, each didn’t want to go in that direction, so, I waited for another auto guy for about 5 mins. Nothing in sight! Finally one of the first guys I had asked started his auto and drove upto where I was standing and said ‘bhetiye madam’ (please sit). The only thought that crossed my mind was that,if I had been in chennai(purposely using chennai coz that name is what makes me indifferent to that city – madras is home, it’s a place I know but chennai is a city I don’t relate to) then I would first have to argue with an auto guy for a rate then he will finally decide he doesn’t want to head in that direction and if I had been stuck waiting for another auto, he wouldn’t ever think of just taking me where I needed to go. he would just park up next to me and be completely indifferent to my anxious wait for another auto. This guy offered to take me where I had to go and ritually turned the meter. This is the real Bombay. It does have a heart.
You need to live here to realize it the mumbai the rest of the country or metros read hear or see is just a percentage, that plays minimum role in giving this city character but that what the rest of ‘em get to see and therefore stereotype the city to what they see of it.
I cannot generalize and say that Bombay is this and madras is like that. Both cities are made up of different kinds of people, each city with its share of past, different politics and different lifestyles. It’s the lifestyle you lead in both cities that makes the person and not the city . the spunk of Bombay is that it enables you to live the way you want to based on the choices you make but with madras your choices will be a neighborhood discussion. Since Bombay gives you the freedom of choice, it carries extremely different people who have learnt to live and survive independently and just co “exist”.im not pro Bombay and I love madras, but im just sick of listening to so many friends and people complain about Bombay without even living here and just base their theory on people they have met from Bombay (who apparently they don’t like). Yes!, this city is bizarrely humungous and travel and getting around is quite an experience to get used to. this also being one of the reason that people don’t have time to just spend time with each other or just probably catch up for a smoke or just do sunday afternoon beer. So invariably everyone is alone and being alone makes you hard. Being hard not necessarily means your soul is dead. The auto guy had soul. He is also mumbai.
 


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